The dew was thick on the grass, the morning brisk. The sun hadn't yet made its way over the horizon, but the salmon-colored clouds announced that it was only a matter of time before all the other hunters would converge.
I wet my finger and tested the air. Almost time, almost time.
Armed with my leather Wal-Mart special billfold, I had paid particular attention to my ammunition. You just don't want a jam in this situation. Timing was critical.
I tested my draw technique. Right hand reach for back pocket, firmly grasp billfold. Remove from pocket, and double-hand open the tri-fold exposing both debit and credit cards.
Today, I would be using my trusty Rock Canyon bank card, black in color. It smelt of garlic...because where I work, there is garlic everywhere. So everything smells of garlic, and sadness.
I realized that my timing was off. The dog had put off needing to go to the bathroom until the very moment I needed to step outside my home. I would now have to hurry if I was to get my prey.
I waited while the dog sniffed around for what seemed an eternity. At long last, she appeared to be ready to do her business, but one of the neighbor kids rode by on his skateboard and distracted her. I vowed a vow that I would steal his skateboard and paint it bright pink, should he have ruined my hunt.
The dog resumed sniffing, and in the same amount of time it takes to hear the entirety of Wagner's "Ring Cycle", she was done.
Already my fellow hunters were positioned for a quick dash to our prey. I eyed an elderly lady with a walker, thinking that she might be easy to elbow out of the way, but her steely eyes told me that she would gladly hip-check me if I tried such foolishness. I decided the 300 lb. biker would be less trouble than she.
The doors opened! Dodging in and out of aisles, ignoring the cases of diet Coke and boxes of doughnuts, I made my way to the hunting grounds. To my left, the elderly lady hurdled a pallet of Cheetos and had knocked the biker to his knees, tears now streaming down his bearded cheeks as his dreams of happy hunting disappeared.
There it was! It was now in our sights and within our grasp!
10 left. Now 9, now 6 because some ignoramus decided to hoard 3, then 5. I took aim and grabbed....
I looked around slowly. My fellow hunters looked back at me, envious faces all.
I had done it. I had done what was almost impossible. I held my prey firmly in my grasp, not really believing that it was real. My primitive ancestors may have slain the mighty woolie mammoth, but none was more mighty than I in that moment.
For I...I had scored what all else had sought, but failed.
18 Mega Rolls of Angel Soft
Bathroom Tissue!
And I marched triumphantly home...after returning to aisle three for diet Coke.
As an introvert, I LOVE social distancing. Been practicing it my while life. My wife, not so much...
December 2020 baby names:
Boy: Covid
Girl: Charmin
'Cause that is how my brain works when I'm left alone without adult supervision.
The company I work for will be taking everyone's temperature before we are allowed to work.
Hopefully, they won't be taking our temperature in "the same manner" in which we did as children.
Only people "of a certain age" will understand.
Whenever I hear an update or see a post, I start singing, "Everybody was Kung Flu fighting".
I know it's not that funny, but not bad considering we're in the middle of the apocalypse.
Logically: I only need to make enough stew to feed three people.
The reality: I make enough to feed our family...plus 15 people who have been stranded on a deserted island forced to subsist on rainwater and raw slugs.
And I'm making garlic bread.
"You're beard totally makes you look like Santa" said the cashier.
Will be shaving right after work.
Had a birthday the other day. Normally, Julie will just throw the junk mail away, but the letter addressed to me from AARP mysteriously made it to my desk...right where I would not miss it. I would NEVER do something so mean.
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