The Great Toilet Paper Heist

"Dude, we're out of toilet paper again" my college roommate said as he exited the bathroom. He had just showered, which was odd for him in the middle of the day.

"Did you use the last of it?" I asked.

"No, it was already gone. I had to take a shower instead." He said as he toweled off his hair.

"Man, that's just wrong!" The image was more than I could stand.

He was unfazed.

"I was desperate" was his reply. "You don't want to know the alternative, but it involved one of your socks."

"Dude, seriously? I don't want to hear any more." I felt a little queasy.

"The bottom line is that we need some more. When are you going to the store?" He asked.

"Man, I'm out of money for the week. I have fifty cents in my pocket for a can of soda. Besides, isn't it your turn to buy the toilet paper?" 

"I forgot. I'm out of money, too." He replied.

"What are we going to do, then?" I asked. "We just can't take a shower every time, well, you know...."

"I guess we're going to have to run to the school every time" said my roommate.


And then it dropped on me.


"Oh, crud! Oh, crud,ohcrud,ohcrud,ohcrud,ohcrud,ohcrud,ohcrud,....."

"What are you 'oh, crudding' about? I'm the one that had to shower." he said.

"We have girls coming over on Friday!" I said in despair. "What are we going to do?"


This was a huge dilemma. It wasn't often that we were fortunate enough to have women over, so we wanted to make a good impression. This was the opposite of a good impression.

"There's only one thing we can do" said my roommate. "We've got to steal some."


Normally, I wouldn't have even considered a crime spree, but I was having a bit of a dating drought after breaking the nose of a girl I liked when we were playing "Red Rover". But that's another story in and of itself. 

I needed to make a good impression, fast! So, I decided to turn criminal.


Our first plan was to steal it from the school's bathroom. What we didn't anticipate was that other students must have gotten tired of showering every time....well you know. Consequently, the dispensers all had a lock on them to prevent students from stealing entire rolls.


On the way back to the apartment, we came up with a brilliant plan. Each of us would take some of the empty cardboard tubes that the toilet paper was wrapped around, sneak them into the stalls and reverse wrap the paper back on the tube.


Do you have any idea how long it takes to rewrap toilet paper? It is significant, I can assure you.

 After about an hour, both of us had two rolls of toilet paper to take back to our apartment. We congratulated ourselves all the way home.

Upon entering our apartment, we noticed that the answering machine was blinking, indicating a message.

My roomy pushed the button.

"Hey, guys. We're going to take a rain check on this weekend. Something has come up."

And so the drought of '92 continued.

The Grinch

Friend: "Dave, you're never going to believe this! William Hurt is in the audience tonight!"

Me: (Dressed in tights and green makeup. You guessed it, I was the Grinch.) "Who?"

Friend: "William Hurt! You know, the actor who was in A.I., Dune, Lost in Space, The Doctor? He won an Academy Award for crying out loud! William Hurt is in the audience!"

Me: (Beginning to panic) "What? Why? Why is William Hurt in the audience? Why?"

Friend: "He was in the area and his son wanted to see the show."

Me: "He was in the area? This is eastern Oregon, why would William Hurt be in the area?"

Friend: "His kid lives here, I think."

Me: "Oh, I get it. Nice. You really had me going. Nice one dude."

Friend: "Dave, I'm not kidding! William-Oscar-winning-Hurt is in the audience!"

Me: "Man, I'm on to you. Give it up. I don't believe you. Give it a rest."

Another friend: (Running into the green room) "You are not going to believe this! William Hurt is in the audience!"

Me: "Wha...."

Friend: "I told you! He really is there with his kid!"

Me: (Panicky again) "Oh man, oh man, oh man...."

So, there I am -- a chubby boy in tights getting ready to perform in front of an Academy Award winning actor. It couldn't have been some of the shows where I had a modicum of dignity. No, it had to be me as the Grinch. 

Folks, there was dancing involved. And when I say dancing, I mean that the director saw fit to choreograph an entire number for me and Cindy Lou Who. Need I remind you that I was wearing tights? Let that image burn into your brain.

Sure enough, the curtains open, and there he is. Of course, we shattered the "fourth wall" in this show, meaning that I was aware of and interacted with the audience. Every time I looked out into the audience, there he was. 

In my mind I imagine William Hurt talking to some of his actor friends.

"I was once in this little eastern Oregon town called "La Grande". I went and saw one of the shows at the University and there was this chubby guy dressed in tights...."

(Sigh)

"No Ma'am, I Won't Watch Your Kids"

So, I had one of those days at work. It started bad and kept getting worse.




Lady: "Could you watch my kids for a second? I don't get very good cell phone reception inside the store."


Me: "I'm sorry, but there is a liability issue with you leaving your kids with an employee."


Lady: "You mean you won't watch my kids?"


Me: "Unless it's a life and death emergency, no."


Lady: "I want to speak with your manager."


Me: "Be my guest."


Lady: "I'm going to ask for them to reprimand you."


Me: "I'm sure you are. If you follow me, my manager is right over this way."


Lady: "I don't have time to deal with this right now."




........And.......




Man: "Do you have any garlic bread?"


Me: "We do. It's right over here."


Man: "Does it have the green stuff in it?"


Me: "Green stuff?"


Man: "Yeah, those green bits in it. In the garlic spread?"


Me: "Do you mean parsley?"


Man: "Yeah, the green stuff."


Me: "Yes, there is parsley in the garlic spread."


Man: "I don't like that stuff. Do you have any spread without the green stuff?"


Me: "Unfortunately, we do not. This is how the garlic spread is sent to us."


Man: "Can you pick it out?"


Me: "Wha....?


Man: "If you had tweezers or something, maybe you could pick it out?"


Me: "I'm very sorry....but no."




......And......




Lady: "What is it that you have sampled today?"


Me: "It's a new product. It's a blue berry scone."


Lady: "But I don't like blue berries."


Me: "Oh, I'm sorry. How about a bakery cookie?"


Lady: "I don't want a cookie. I want cheese cake."


Me: "I'm sorry, we're not sampling cheese cake today."


Lady: "So, you're not going to put out cheese cake samples?"


Me: "Ummm, no."


Lady: "Fine! I'll eat your stupid scone."




(Sigh)