I guess the crunch of me biting into the cone had come as a bit of a surprise to Brandon as we were just pulling out of town and onto the freeway. His cone had a few lick marks, but was almost as large as it had been when we had gotten them several minutes earlier. Minus the little pointy tip, that is. I think there is a law that the tip has to be eaten seconds after the cone is placed in the hand of the eater.
My cone was, sadly, only a few bites away from extinction.
I guess a little bit of explanation about the size of the cone will help at this point of the story.
There is a little town along the Columbia River called Cascade Locks. It is not more that a single main street with some housing scattered around. You might just pass it by if you weren't in drastic need of a rest stop --- but it houses the eighth wonder of the world.
A monstrous soft-served ice cream cone.
And I mean monstrous. It takes the dexterity of a circus juggler to get into one's car without mishap. The ice cream atop the cone is nearly a foot tall. Top heavy is an understatement in describing this cone. I've seen many a giant ice cream cone rookie get into an ice cream mishap because they didn't respect the cone until it began to tilt like the famous tower in Pisa. By then it is too late.
It is so tall that on many occasions I accidentally got ice cream on the ceiling of the car while trying to put the seat belt on, or steer the car. There is no place to set the cone down, so everything is one-handed.
The eater is in a constant race to eat the ice cream before wearing the ice cream. One would think that a large supply of napkins would inherently be part of the experience, but there must be a standing joke that only a single small napkin is issued with each order.
Having sampled many, many, so very many of these cones over the years, I can tell you that there is a technique involved with consuming the cone before it melts into a soggy puddle.
1. Eat tip off of the cone seconds after receiving it. Remember, it is the law.
2. Lick any drips beginning to form on the ice cream.
3. Lick fingers because you somehow missed the drips from the backside of the cone.
4. Lick cone because the drips ran between your fingers.
5. Use napkin to wipe drips off of your trousers.
6. Throw away napkin because after one use it is now useless.
7. Look in glove box for more napkins. Even if you placed an entire roll of napkins in your glove box just that morning, you won't find any. It has something to do with parallel dimensions I believe.
8. Use Les Schwab tire receipt as a replacement napkin.
9. Realize that simply licking the cone isn't going to cut it. Drastic action is needed.
10. Begin taking actual bites of the ice cream.
11. Repeat steps 2 - 5.
12. Realize that the small bites aren't drastic enough action.
13. Shove as much of the top of the ice cream into your mouth as possible. You will know you have enough when you find that you're having a difficult time breathing.
14. Swallow.
15. Scream in agony as the brain freeze sets in.
16. As the brain freeze abates, wonder why in the heck does it hurt your head when you eat ice cream.
17. Realize that while you were wondering about brain freeze that you've neglected your ice cream for five seconds and you are now in jeopardy of wearing it.
18. Repeat steps 2-5 and 9 - 15.
So, how was I able to finish my cone so quickly as described in the opening of my story?
Dieting. I had been on a diet for several weeks prior to the incident. I was ravenous, and I just soldiered through the brain freeze, Nancy.
