"Did you use the last of it?" I asked.
"No, it was already gone. I had to take a shower instead." He said as he toweled off his hair.
"Man, that's just wrong!" The image was more than I could stand.
He was unfazed.
"I was desperate" was his reply. "You don't want to know the alternative, but it involved one of your socks."
"Dude, seriously? I don't want to hear any more." I felt a little queasy.
"The bottom line is that we need some more. When are you going to the store?" He asked.
"Man, I'm out of money for the week. I have fifty cents in my pocket for a can of soda. Besides, isn't it your turn to buy the toilet paper?"
"I forgot. I'm out of money, too." He replied.
"What are we going to do, then?" I asked. "We just can't take a shower every time, well, you know...."
"I guess we're going to have to run to the school every time" said my roommate.
And then it dropped on me.
"Oh, crud! Oh, crud,ohcrud,ohcrud,ohcrud,ohcrud,ohcrud,ohcrud,....."
"What are you 'oh, crudding' about? I'm the one that had to shower." he said.
"We have girls coming over on Friday!" I said in despair. "What are we going to do?"
This was a huge dilemma. It wasn't often that we were fortunate enough to have women over, so we wanted to make a good impression. This was the opposite of a good impression.
"There's only one thing we can do" said my roommate. "We've got to steal some."
Normally, I wouldn't have even considered a crime spree, but I was having a bit of a dating drought after breaking the nose of a girl I liked when we were playing "Red Rover". But that's another story in and of itself.
I needed to make a good impression, fast! So, I decided to turn criminal.
Our first plan was to steal it from the school's bathroom. What we didn't anticipate was that other students must have gotten tired of showering every time....well you know. Consequently, the dispensers all had a lock on them to prevent students from stealing entire rolls.
On the way back to the apartment, we came up with a brilliant plan. Each of us would take some of the empty cardboard tubes that the toilet paper was wrapped around, sneak them into the stalls and reverse wrap the paper back on the tube.
Do you have any idea how long it takes to rewrap toilet paper? It is significant, I can assure you.
After about an hour, both of us had two rolls of toilet paper to take back to our apartment. We congratulated ourselves all the way home.
Upon entering our apartment, we noticed that the answering machine was blinking, indicating a message.
My roomy pushed the button.
"Hey, guys. We're going to take a rain check on this weekend. Something has come up."
And so the drought of '92 continued.
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