I'm Hearing Things

"What are you listening to?" asks my wife, Julie.


If you were an innocent bystander this might seem like an odd question because you would not hear any music playing, nor would you see me with an iPod or any other kind of music device. And yet I would be bobbing my head, tapping my foot, or humming as if I were listening to music. And you would be right. It seems I always have some sort of music in my head at all times.

My friend Darrell used to drive me nuts when he discovered that he could whistle, hum, or sing something and it would get stuck in my head the entire day. You should know that Darrell has a little deviltry in him, so his choice of music was solely dependent on how annoying it was to me. I can't even count the times I would get funny looks from people as we went into a public setting and I would realize that I had been singing "Staying Alive" by the Bee Gees. Naturally, I would be doing it in falsetto.


The great thing about having music in my head is that I assign people different theme songs. As I interact with people throughout the day, these various theme songs pop into my mind unbidden, sometimes to my detriment as it can cause uncontrolled giggling depending on the circumstance.


The interesting thing is that I don't consciously assign people their theme songs. It all is triggered by personality, looks, mannerism, and a whole host of other things.


For example: One of the managers at the store I work at has been assigned the "Imperial March" theme from Star Wars. In the Star Wars movies,  whenever Darth Vader has a scene, the "Imperial March" can be heard. So, whenever I see this certain manager in the store, I hear the "Imperial March". I would not be surprised one day to hear this manager say, "You don't know the power of the dark side!"


I had a colleague when I was teaching that was assigned the theme song from the "Andy Griffith Show." He reminded me of Opie. I once started whistling the theme song after I passed him in the hall at school, and to my amusement, he started whistling the harmony. I had the giggles the entire day after that.



A colleague at work sees himself as a real "ladies man" Naturally, I hear Barry White's "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe."

"Love in an Elevator" is assigned to another who is rumored to have had several...liaisons... while at work.

I had a middle school student who had just hit puberty and was having a hard time controlling his voice. One minute he had a deep baritone voice, the next minute he sounded like Minnie Mouse. "Walk Like a Man, Talk Like a Man" will be forever his theme song.

Oh, yes. I have theme songs for myself, too. I won't get into all of them because they are too personal, but I do have a favorite. When I'm driving my '92 Pontiac Roadmaster Station Wagon and I have my sunglasses on it's, "Highway to the Danger Zone" the theme from "Top Gun".

"What are you listening to?" asks my wife. Her theme song changes, but the one that comes up most is the Joe Cocker song: "You are so Beautiful to Me."

Bakery Dave's Guide to Enjoying Your Christmas Fruitcake

 

You'll need a few extra ingredients to add to your Christmas fruitcake to make it not only bearable, but enjoyable and tasty too.

1) Marshmallows.
2) Graham Crackers.
3) Rum.
4) Chocolate.
5) Butane lighter.
6) Wire hanger or willow stick.

First - Take fruitcake and soak it in a healthy amount of rum -- the higher the alcohol content the better in this case. 

Second - using the butane lighter, set fire to the rum and fruitcake mixture. 

Third - using the wire hanger or willow stick (whichever is handy) toast the marshmallow over the blazing fruitcake/rum mixture. 

Fourth - make a s'more with the toasted marshmallow, graham crackers, and chocolate. 

Fifth - eat s'more and if you are so inclined, finish off the bottle of rum. 

Sixth - sweep up ash remains of fruitcake and throw in the garbage.

Warning - DO NOT put any fruitcake in your mouth either before or after setting it on fire. You have been warned.

Enjoy!

A Day in the Life of a Bakery Manager

It has come to my attention that there is a sad lack of knowledge of the day to day workings of a bakery manager. To educate the reader, I have to decided to give a play by play review of what a typical bakery manager's day entails. My only fear is that once you have gotten a glimpse of the glamorous life I lead, you may do something rash. Please do not quit your current employment to follow a dream that only a few lucky can live.

3:30 AM -       Alarm goes off.
3:30:01 AM - Slap "snooze" button.
3:34 AM -       Alarm goes off again.
3:34:01 AM - Slap the "snooze" button a little harder.
3:38 AM -       Alarm goes off once again.
3:38:01 AM - ........you get the picture.
4:00 AM -       Finally lose the snooze battle and I drag myself out of bed.
4:05 AM -       Shower.
4:10 AM -        Pour cereal into bowl.
4:11 AM -        Pour cereal back into box because there is no milk.
4:12 AM -       Make some toast.
4:13 AM -       Pour glass of milk. The good news is that I found the milk.
4:20 AM -       Wake up with toast stuck to my face. Wipe butter and jam off of face with a fresh slice of bread. 'Waste not, want not' I always say.
4:21 AM -       Throw bread in garbage.
4:30 AM -        Pat the wife goodbye and kiss the dog.
4:31 AM -       Climb inside my '92 Pontiac Station Wagon. 
4:32 AM -        Go back inside the house and get car keys.
4:33 AM -        Stop light. I am the first in line with several cars behind me. The two lane road turns into a one lane road up ahead.
4:33:30 AM -  Driver with a new Jaguar pulls up along side my car. He's going to try to get the jump on me and the cars behind me. I am a former middle school teacher. Taking "cuts" is bad! Oh, it's on now!
4:33:03 AM -  Pretend not to notice Jaguar. Play "air guitar" drums on the steering wheel to make it appear I'm not paying attention to the lights.
4:33:30 AM -  See the lights of the through traffic turn yellow. A split second before my light turns green, punch accelerator. Take Jaguar by surprise.
4:33:01 AM -  Drivers behind me recognize my brilliant play and move up into blocking position. They are tighter on my bumper than two lovers lost in a snowstorm....whatever that means.
4:33:03 AM -  Jaguar comes even with my car and begins to signal to merge.
4:33:04 AM -  Pretend not to notice the signaling Jaguar and continue accelerating.
4:33:05 AM -  Jaguar driver decides that I have nothing to lose driving a '92 Pontiac Station Wagon, wherein he has a lot to lose driving a 2011 $50,000 vehicle. Decides to back off before the road narrows to one lane ahead.
4:33:10 AM -  Watch in my rear view mirror as the Jaguar falls 4 cars behind where he would have been had he not tried to take "cuts". The day is starting good.
4:55 AM -         Arrive at store. Congratulate myself for being 5 minutes early.
4:58 AM -         Clock in....at least that's what I want to do, but since I left my badge in the car....I'll be right back.
5:03 AM -         So now I'm late.
5:05 AM -         Say "hello" to all the bakery employees who are hard at work.
5:10 AM -         Begin pulling "expired" items off the bread racks.
                          My haul today also includes:
                              (1) Dress.
                              (1) Shoe.
                              (1) Half eaten doughnut.
                              (2) Cans of Spam.
                              (2) Jars of spaghetti sauce.
                              (1) Hammer.
                              (1) Jar of pickles.
                              (3) Soda bottles (empty).
6:00 AM -         Finish removing expired items and replace them with fresh items.
6:05 AM -         A customer asks for the "fresh" items on the carts rather than the items on the sales floor. Try to explain that the items on the cart are the expired items. Customer doesn't believe me....so she gets a loaf of two-day-old french bread rather than 2-minute-old french bread. "The customer is always right" they say.
10:00 AM -       Lunch time. Escape to the '92 Pontiac Station Wagon for lunch and a good book. Naturally, both the book and the lunch are at home on the counter.
11:00 AM -        Back on the sales floor. See that fruitcake sales are going nowhere. Sample out fruitcake in hopes to increase sales.
11:15 AM -        For some unknown reason, the sales in the competing bakery across the street raises dramatically, while sales plummet in mine.
11:16 AM -        Taste the fruitcake sample for myself.
11:16:01 AM -   Spit out nasty fruitcake and wipe the inside of my mouth with apron to get rid of the taste. Consider rinsing mouth with bleach, but settle for an entire box of Altoids.

11:20 AM -         Remove fruitcake samples. Immediately sales return to normal.

2:00 PM -           My day is done! 

2:05 PM -           Stop light. I am the first in line with several cars behind me.....